There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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