I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
