A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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