Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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