Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
