He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
