I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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