Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
