All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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