he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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