Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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