i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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