i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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