I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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