Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
