if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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