awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
