Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
