I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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