And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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