Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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