call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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