Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
