I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
