I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
