Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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