I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
