Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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