Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
