Welp...herpes.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
