dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
