he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize