I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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