Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There r osticjed everywhere
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need water and some morals
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
