the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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