I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize