note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
