Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
