i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
