1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
