wrigley field is MILF paradise
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it's like heaven, but drunker
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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