why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
