You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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