You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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