Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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