So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
