She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
