and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
