My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
