never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
