I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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