I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
