her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
