I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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