I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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