They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
