matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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