nut hugger
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
