Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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