My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize