Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
