After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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