I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
